Whistling Dixie

I know we have some Dixie fans out there, and you’re gonna love the latest. (If you are an existing fan, you can skip the next paragraph.)

My mother-in-law, Dixie, is 89 years old. She has always been an interesting person—very vivacious, outgoing, and opinionated. Her general health has been amazing…physically, anyway. The last ten years she’s had some memory problems. And when she suffered a heart attack 3 years ago, that department took a real hit. She has not lived alone since then, although she is quite convinced that she could. She spent the first 2.5 years of this arrangement telling each and every one of us 20 times a day that she was gonna move to an apartment and get a job. I won’t elaborate on the highlights of the period she lived with us, but suffice it to say that in her world, I am a closet thief (specializing in cars), stalker, brake tamperer, and poisoner extrordinaire. What I like about her world is that I evidently have a lot of time on my hands, which would be nice. What I don’t like about her world is being accused of said crimes 15-20 times per day, usually when I’m trying to watch my favorite shows. So….that arrangement didn’t work out very well. We ended up finding her a very nice apartment in an assisted living facility. She was still miserable, though, and the management kept calling to report her latest escapades.

Enter modern medicine. HALLELUJAH!! After the place threatened to turn her out unless she was medicated, hubby went through the painful and exhausting process (because he had to re-talk her into it every 15 minutes) and got her on some anti-psychotic meds. Presto Change-o!! Two days later she was a new woman—cheerful, peppy, and much-less inclined to call us all day to share her despair. Oh, she still only has 15 minutes of short-term memory, but at least those 15 minutes are pleasant! (She’s been wishing hubby a happy birthday for 3 weeks now. But isn’t that sweet?) And she hasn’t accused me of plotting against her for MONTHS!

I think the best part of her new, cheerier state is that she’s gotten out to meet people at her place. And she’s the belle of the ball, which is where she thrives! About a month ago, Hubby went to see her, came around a corner, and ran into her holding hands with a man! Thereafter, we heard a lot about Ike (including some things we’d rather not hear--like how much he likes smooching). Every day she’d call to say they just got back from their first date! She was going to introduce me and the girls to him one day when we were visiting, but she couldn’t remember where he lived. (He’s in her same building.) After wandering around the halls for 20 minutes, we had to leave. But I hear he’s very sweet (and lucid even). I don’t know if he has all of his teeth, but he seems like quite a catch. And hey, he gets to be with a woman who falls in love with him every day. I like to think it’s like ’50 First Dates.’ But much less sexy. Ewwww.

So, speaking of EWWWW, last week Ike and Dixie broke up because of something involving a bed which we try to tell ourselves means a napping incompatibility. Basically, he wants ‘napping’ to be part of their courtship, and she doesn’t (probably because they’ve only been on one date, for goodness sakes!!) Two days later, which would be Tuesday of this week, she called to tell Lance that SHE’S GETTING MARRIED. Monday. I guess that’s what you call a compromise on the napping issue. Those crazy kids.

And now I’m going to take a long shower…or maybe an acid wash.