Shhhh! Don't tell Tessa!

I'm here to share the obsession that has taken over the last week of my life. I like to call it the First-Ever All-Santa Tabernacle Choir, but it's more than that (and less, since they don't sing...or have a tabernacle).

This is my play for missionary mom-of-the-year. They are about to be sent to their new home in California to be with Sister Shnookie2. Except now that I've spent so much time with these little jolly fellows, I want to keep them! Just kidding; I am so excited for her to get them that I can hardly stand it. 
What's inside them, you ask? All sorts of stuff, I answer. I will give you a complete list at the bottom in case you are really THAT interested, but each has a little goody and a scripture that ties in (sometimes rather loosely!) with the goody. For example, here are the innards of Claus #4:

 The goody is a stick of Sister Shnookie2's favorite lip balm, Burt's Bees. (And if you know Sis S2 and her luscious lips, you know why she goes through a lot of this stuff.) The balm is inside of a penguin lip gloss holder, which for some reason is not showing. But it's cute! The scripture says something semi-inspiring with the words "lips" in it. My intent was to make 12 of these little guys, but then I got excited, bought too much stuff, and ended up with 15. You've heard about the 15 days of Christmas, right? If 12 is good then 15 is great--who's gonna complain?? Let's face it, I'm an over-achiever.
 

Oh, and I know I should've counted DOWN to Christmas instead of UP, but I didn't realize that until I was half-way through, and I didn't have the heart to tear each of those signs out of the little guy's hands and start over.

Sister Shnookie 2 is going to FREAK OUT when she opens this package. And isn't that what it's all about? ( I don't know, really, is it?)

Here's the list (in no particular order, because I can't remember what is where):
1. A mini gingerbread house (dollar store score). Scripture:  Doctrine and Covenants 109:8

8 Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing, and establish ahouse, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, ahouse of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;

2. Sour gummi worms. Scripture:         Jeremiah 31:30

30 But every one shall die for his own iniquity: every man that eateth the sour grape, his teeth shall be set on edge.

·         Job 19:26

26 And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God: 

3. A necklace of Christmas bulbs that light up (dollar store). Scripture:

·         Luke 12:35

35 Let your loins be girded about, and your lights burning; (Plus a friendly reminder to NOT wear the necklace around her loins. Yes, I did that.)

4. Mint LifeSavers: Scripture: JST Mark 8:37 For whosoever will save his life, shall lose it; or whosoever will save his life, shall be willing to lay it down for my sake; and if he is not willing to lay it down for my sake, he shall lose it.

5. Skittles (red & green version). Scripture:

·         Matthew 7:20

20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

6. Penguin Toothbrush holder (Forever 21): Scripture: 

·         Amos 4:6

6 ¶And I also have given you cleanness of teeth in all your cities, and want of bread in all your places: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the Lord.

7. Spider Floss Cover (Forever 21) Scripture:

·         Psalms 3:7

7 Arise, O Lord; save me, O my God: for thou hast smitten all mine enemies upon the cheek bone; thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly.

Proverbs 25:19

19 Confidence in an unfaithful man in time of trouble is like a brokentooth, and a foot out of joint

8. Snickers bar. Scripture: 

·         Ether 12:26

26 And when I had said this, the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness;

9. Sharpies (gold, silver & copper)

·         1 Nephi 21:2

2 And he hath made my mouth like a sharp sword; in the shadow of his hand hath he hid me, and made me a polished shaft; in his quiver hath he hid me;

10. Sunflower seeds

         Luke 17:6

6 And the Lord said, If ye had faith as a grain of *sunflower* seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you.

*poetic license taken

·      

11. Money; folded as a dress and a shirt (learned on youtube.)

  Isaiah 55:1

1 Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price

12. Werther's Caramels

Doctrine and Covenants 18:10

10 Remember the Werther’s of souls is great in the sight of God

*poetic license taken

13. Mentos Mints
But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth; and he shall smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips shall he slay the wicked. 2 Nephi 21:4
And a friendly reminder to not slay anyone with her breath.

14. Lip balm
In the mouth of the foolish is a rod of pride: but the lips of the wise shall preserve them. Proverbs 14:3

15. Refreshing eye mask
D&C 84: 98 - 102ish about the Lord's kingdom being brought to the earth. Plus a little note about refreshing and basking in the day. Hugs, kisses, etc, etc.

All of these notes were written on cards from a free set by my friend Dani Mogstad, which can be found here: http://www.designbydani.com/?p=7157

And the Santas were another generous freebie, found here: http://kathyscottage.blogspot.com/2011/12/merry-christmas-from-kathys-cottage.html

DUH-BULL-YOU DUH-BULL-YOU DUH-BULL-YOU

Today I am angry with the world wide web. You may notice the irony in me using the world wide web as a vehicle to vent about the world wide web, but here’s where I’ll get to go “HA!” followed by a long explanation concluding with “I rest my case.”

After a long convoluted thought process the other night (yup—lost the remote again), I realized that I have lost a precious and significant portion of my life to the dummies who decided to call it the world wide web.

Think about it. Sure, it’s only 3 little syllables to utter aloud. World Wide Web. HOWEVER, who ever calls it by its whole name? We are, afterall a shortcut society who will use an acronym even when it takes longer than just saying the actual phrase. THUS, we end up using the longest letter in the alphabet--DUH-BULL-YOU—not once, but 3 times, over and over everyday all over the world.

Based on the statistic that 82% of statistics are made up on the spot, I feel confident saying that this waste of breath has robbed the average person of .75% of his or her life. That may only equal a month (or not…I can’t be bothered with math), but that’s a whole month one could spend playing Farkle.

Let’s face it…there are so many other names these buffoons could have given the web, even if they wanted to stick with the catchy alliteration. Global Guidance Generator…Cosmic Connection Circulator… Intercontinental Information Infuser. And that’s just off the top of my thesaurus.

In conclusion, I rest my case.

Be sure and tune into my next rant at ggg.ablognamedBETTY. com.

Skack to Bool

I did some back-to-school shopping for BETTY. After all, it's hardly fair to spend on everyone else and leave her out. Doesn't she look fetching? Poor thing hasn't had a new look in ages. Why, it's tantamount to blog abuse. Anyone know a support group she can go to?

And speaking of back-to-school, the shnookies are...well...back to school! It's a pretty big year for all of them, with #1 starting his SENIOR year, #2 starting her first year in high school, #3 being top of the heap in 6th grade, and #4 launching into 4th grade--the signal of her downward trip in grade school. Oh my, I think I lost an inch just thinking about it--I am an old woman! (See how that works? I started out talking about them, but it always ends up about me.)

And speaking of me, I have to admit that it was a heavenly day for me. With the kids back in school and Hubby out of town, I had the whole house (except for the 6X6 area occupied by Boozer) to myself. I savored, I basked, I reveled. And then I went inside and put my clothes back on.

My FFA Father Would Be Proud

I am a farmer. There, I said it. Like the good men and women who fostered our great land in its infancy, I till the earth and harvest its bounties for the nourishment of all mankind. And just like my forefathers, I get very little respect for all of my labors. In fact, I am mocked and ridiculed. . . IN MY OWN HOME.

Why is it that the tradition of farming is not appreciated and revered like it should be? What would man be without the fruits of the land to sustain him?

If you are appalled as I am regarding this injustice to hard-working, honest farmers everywhere, then stand up and be heard. Write my husband and tell him that he should support and praise me, perhaps even till the earth side-by-side with me once-in-while. End the ridicule and tell him that “YES! Once and for all, online farming IS real farming!!!”

Are you with me??

867-530ni-i-ine.....plus 1 80wu-uh-uh-n

It has happened to Utah. We now have to dial 1+our area code to call our next door neighbors. It’s such a pain! Seriously, now it’s more efficient to just run next door rather than dial ALL ELEVEN DIGITS. And it’s even worse for me, because I just cannot adapt. So I end up dialing EIGHTEEN digits by the time I dial the old way, get the ‘wee-WEE-wee I’m sorry…” lady, and re-dial the new way. It’s been like ten days since they made the change, and I’m still doing it wrong 90% of the time! Do you realize how many precious minutes of my life have been wasted by this conspiracy?

Let me just admit right here that numbers are not my friends. I can remember the name of every dog in a 6-block radius, but do not expect me to retain anything number-oriented in my brain. Thus, it takes me FOR.EV.ER to learn a new phone number. I’ve had the same cell phone for 3 years, and I still have to ask my kids for the number. If someone tells me a phone number and I have to dial it 2 seconds later, I will get every digit wrong. Hubby changed his work number five months ago, and I never call him, because I CAN’T REMEMBER THE NUMBER. (Hmm…this sheds some light on WHY he changed the number…)

OK, so I believe I have established that I am number challenged. Add this area code debacle into the mix, and I’m practically paralyzed. You know how you spend 5 minutes looking up a number and then close the phone book while it’s dialing? Yup. I get the ‘I’m sorry…’ lady every time and have to start all over. I’m a mess. My kids are going hungry, I don’t have time to shower, and I’ve lost all of my money to the swearing jar.

AND IT’S NOT JUST ME!! My own mother didn’t call me for a week, because she’d had me on speed dial and couldn’t find my number! (Which is why, BTW, I never put anyone on speed dial—if I do, I’ll never be forced to remember their number and I’ll be unable to contact them in an emergency. As I’ve plainly demonstrated, this is just such an emergency.) Our friends live in a gated community, and no one could get in or out for a couple days until they re-programmed the gate for their new phone numbers. SEE?? These things have global repercussions! It’s no coincidence that the economy started tanking at the exact same moment the state of Utah hatched this inane plan.

If you’d like to discuss this matter at length, give me a call. I’d call you but, well………duh!

And in my spare time I torture puppies

I have had one of those do-everything-all-at-the-same-time-and-then-do-some-more weeks. It’s like everyone else’s calendars read “if you have something to do that involves Erin, plan it for this week.” It’s a giant conspiracy, I tell ya. (It’s not being paranoid if it’s true, btw.)

At the very least, the grade school had it out for me, because I had 3 major commitments there, two of which required me to teach and herd boatloads of children. I’m pretty sure they’ll never invite me back, based on how grouchy I was by the third visit. I know there’s one 5th grade boy in particular who will sleep with one eye open from now on.

Good place to insert soapbox… Why is it that so many of today’s kids think they rule the world? I’m no “kids should be seen and not heard” person (well…55% of the time), but really—-do they have to talk ALL of the time? And with that much attitude? I swear there are too many parents who are literally afraid of their kids, and can’t say “Hey, maybe when an adult speaks to you, you shouldn’t mock them to their face.” Well, those parents better sleep with one eye open too, cause I’ve got their number. That’s right, world wide web, I’m calling out wimpy parents everywhere.

Okay, raise your hand if you’re never leaving me alone with your kids again. (Heck, I've got my own hand raised. This chic is s-c-a-r-y.)

Angels on the Moon

My friend, Jill, tagged me on Facebook for this fun little quiz/game. You put your iPod on shuffle, go to the first quiz question, and whatever song starts playing on your iPod, you use for the answer. I had way too much fun doing this. I'm sure it would take like 2 minutes for someone with a REAL iPod (i.e., on that has a screen where you can read the song title and artist.); however, I just have an iPod shuffle--no screen. So I had to look up a lot of the songs to get the titles exactly right. It took me a half hour to track down the official name of CAKE's song "Mahna Mahna," because it doesn't technically have any lyrics--just music and sounds. (It's on my playlist to the right, if you want to listen to it.) A sane person would've just skipped the song and gone onto the next, but I did not want to cheat. I'm sure it would be the last straw that keeps me out of heaven.

I wanted to put my results on ye ole bloggy, so here they are:

If someone asks, “Are you okay?” You reply:
I Miss You - Blink 182

How would you describe yourself?
Best of You - Foo Fighters

What do you like in the opposite sex?
Superman - Five for Fighting

How do you feel today?
The Reason - Hoobastank (my favorite band name EVER)

What is your life’s purpose?
It's All Been Done - BareNaked Ladies (of course!)

What is your motto?
Homecoming Queen - Hinder

What do your friends think of you?
Accidentally in Love - Counting Crows

What do you think of your parents?
Falling for the First Time - BareNaked Ladies

What do you think about very often?
Lips of an Angel - Hinder (I can't even tell you how much I love this song)

What is 2+2?
105 - Smash Mouth (I am not kidding--this is exactly the song that came up for this question!)

What do you think of your best friend?
When I Come Around - Green Day

What do you think of the person you like?
If You Leave Me Now - Chicago

What is the story of your life?
Another Postcard - BareNaked Ladies (what can I say? I like me my BareNaked Ladies)

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Believe - Staind

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Harder to Breathe - Maroon 5

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Mad About You - Hooverphonic (I would LOVE to dance to this at my wedding, actually)

What will they play at your funeral?
You're Beautiful - James Blunt (The obvious answer, duh! BTW - He high-fived me this
summer. Yup. We're tight. So he'd probably come and sing it himself gladly at my funeral.)

What is your hobby/interest?
Bring Me Down - Puddle of Mudd (absolute favorite head-banger song)

What is your biggest fear?
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz

What is your biggest secret?
Walking On the Sun - Smash Mouth (Dang--I didn't want that secret to get out. Now it'll get crowded up there.)

What do you think of your friends?
Mahna Mahna- CAKE

What will you post this as?
Angels on the Moon - Thriving Ivory

Let the Good Times Spin

I have crystals in my ear. Don't be jealous--it's not a good thing. (Diamonds in my ear would be something to envy.)It's not a terribly bad thing, either, except that it's made me have horrible vertigo for a month. But only when I move my head quickly.

I found out about the crystals when I went to an ENT yesterday. He says it's fairly common. You're supposed to have liquid in your ear to help tell your brain when you're moving. Sometimes you get some crystalization in there, and those crystals tell your brain: "We're falling!! Quick, make the world spin until we want to throw up!!" Crystals are not my friend.

This particular ENT has a specialty in treating crystals, and, well, it's rather bizarre. It involved turning me on my side, back and forth (soooo not fun), and then finally pounding on the offensive side of my head to dislodge those little buggers. He's had great success with making the crystals take up residence in safer places in the ear, and VIOLA! the vertigo is gone.

Enter Erin Black, who has to be the exception to every medical rule. Sigh. I am so dizzy today I cannot walk a straight line. In other words, I'm worse than ever. Sigh. We're hoping it's just because of all of that spinning me around yesterday. (Doc said he couldn't believe how much my eyes spun. Yay.)

The good news is that he also tested my hearing, and it is perfect. We like perfect. This allows me to hear every peep my off-track girls make while I'm propped up in bed watching the room spin. Good times.